I have been busy with my classes and painting and life in general.  Sometimes the summer heat makes me lazy and want to play instead of work ... and we all need playtime to recharge our creativity batteries.   This is a poem I just wrote:

The fear of fear

Many years ago 

I was so afraid

of fear

I would hide

from life

from myself

from my 

fear of fear

deep in denial

not the Nile

but more

like a dark

swamp

that swallowed 

the light rays

that tried to 

bring en”light”enment

to me 

and lift me up

I did a fire walk

and crossed
the abyss

of hot coals

and just knew

if I could 

just do this

one thing

I would 

never be 

afraid again

but I was wrong

so very mistaken

and so did not

understand fear

and it’s purpose

Fear visits me

fairly regularly

we are old friends

by now

and now I know

it will always

be part of me

and now 

I receive the gifts

that it brings to me

it shows me 

doorways

to parts of myself

I might never have known

had I allowed 

myself to 

be afraid of fear

and kept

the door shut tightly

against en”light”enment

Fear will bring you

to places where

you need to gather

your courage

unfurl your wings

and know and trust 

there is a message

being brought 

to you

it is a gift

and you must

go through your fear

to get past it

and it will not

leave you

where it found you

the fear of fear

is highly overrated

and fear is 

totally undervalued

and unappreciated

as the catalyst

and transformer it is

embrace fear

and know there is

a blessing that will follow

Unnamed painting

She feels powerful to me, muse-like, and beautiful.  Sometimes the names appear magically and sometimes they seem to allude me.

This is my No Going Back painting that came through to remind me that I am moving forward in my life and not going back ... no whimping out or back sliding.  I have crossed the threshold and now I will only move forward.

I am stepping up and out and want to create art that speaks to women from my heart to their hearts and that their hearts are open to receive transformation and healing.  Art is awesome!

I am in the beginning stages of creation with my blog and website and have lots to dreams to bring into being.  Thanks for being her and come back again ...   xoxo  Mary

I follow the moon light down the barely discernible path 

the trees now barren of leaves reaching upwards

moonlight filters through the branches

forming an almost magical archway illuminated

showing me this is the sacred path I walk on now

with each step my heart beats faster 

I see a house and flickering lights burning brightly

I approach the door and pause breathing deeply 

trying to contain my excitement and my anticipation borders on fear

I stand up straight and knock with a knock that sounds braver than I feel

“Knock and it shall be Opened” is etched upon the door frame made visible 

from the moonlight, firelight, and the candles flickering by the windows

I see myself open the door and greet me ... 

how can I be meeting myself and inviting myself in? this is not possible

this makes no sense and I am confused until it dawns on me

I am the only one who can bring myself across the threshold

I am meeting myself in the fullness of my being

I am embracing myself and becoming whole

I am home ... and at home ... with myself 

This was the journey

I was noticing the past few days, more than usual, that I am don't take time to do enough of the small things that bring me great joy.  Like right now while sitting at my laptop I notice I haven't listened to any music all day so I went to iTunes and put on some nice background classical music ... it doesn't distract me and feeds my soul.  So simple yet I get caught up in doing ... instead of remembering I am a being not a doing.  

I just moved the vase filled with gorgeous home grown roses friends brought me this weekend to the table where I am so I can enjoy them.  They aren't really fragrant but they sure are beautiful so they can feed me with visual beauty.  Something so easy to do yet if I hadn't been made conscious of it I probably wouldn't have noticed them and they wouldn't have been part of my day.  What a waste that would have been of beauty right in front of me going unappreciated!

Even lighting fragrant candles to add ambience make things more special, holy, romantic, making it an occasion  and honoring the day and the moment.

Being grateful and writing down lists of things I'm grateful for show me how extraordinary my life really is.  I tend to get hung up in the details and the to do lists ... I'm opening a new box of crayons and while they are pristine and still sharp I will write myself a list of things to do that feed my soul ... I will ask my inner child what she has been wanting to do for ever so long and honor her wishes.  

Think that is a big part of it, honoring ourself and staying present to what we need and what we want.  Women are usually taking care of everyone else first and then if there is any time left over ... we might use it for ourself.  We over extend ourselves with commitments and then get stressed trying to do what sometimes feels impossible.  We get worn out because we don't feed ourselves with what makes us joyful.

I am going to make it a priority to have more fun, take time for a walk, more time to paint, time to do some soul searching and get to know myself better.  Have a tea party for two ... me and my muse.  She is so wise and so much fun it is a win win investment of time.  

I'm going to promise myself I will protect my joy, nurture and grow it and not let other things steal my joy or make me feel like I don't have time for joy.  I don't have time not to feel my joy.  Life is short and we need to invest our time in the important things of life like the people we love, enjoying the activities that feed us, jumping into new adventures, and expressing our creativity.  I am going to create beauty in more moments of my life and try to stay conscious and present on a regular basis.  I want to be present for my life and to celebrate it and everything that brings me joy!!!!   You life can hold a lot of joy ... and then you can let it flow out into the world and let it be contagious like giggles ... at a very inappropriate time or place.  You know you can’t stifle them! 

I See You

I see you hiding in the shadows

I recognize you

I know who you are

You are just like me

You think you are invisible

That no one can see you

But you’re mistaken

I see you clearly

I see the light that shines

From the depths of your being

I sense the shyness you emit

I know the uncertainty you feel

I recognize eyes downcast

Searching for the slightest sign of danger

A twig snaps and it becomes flight or fright

Fear can make us feel powerless

I sense the wounds that go deep

Feeling betrayed, abandoned, unloved

But that is your sign, a signal to rebuild

To start from scratch and raise yourself again

You need to look in the mirror

And see the woman that I see

She is radiant, glowing, and looks

Spectacular in that awesome hat!

Look in my eyes and see what I see

I see hope, a knowingness you’re ready 

To step out of the shadows

And into the light of a new day

I see your life as a shining ray of hope

To all the other daughters out there

Who feel alone, unseen, unheard

The ones who feel invisible

We are not unseen or unheard anymore

We step into the light and shine

We speak from our hearts

We heal the world

Wisdom comes in many forms ...

I have some cocktail napkins that say "A great many things can be solved with kindness, even More with laughter, but there are Some things that just require cake."  Amen to that!  (Curly Girl Design ... love your stuff).

Humor spiced with compassion is a great way to tell a truth that otherwise might be unsaid.  I love truth and will be the first to admit that it can sting but when the pain diminishes we are left with the option of taking some action to find the gift in it. 

If I am blind to something that is going on that affects me adversely, and if someone is willing to point that out to me, instead of being defensive I can be willing to look at it and decide if it is true and how I can change it to serve me instead.  I am open and teachable.

When we change everyone and everything around us seems to have changed.  But in fact it only took us to change our opinion, belief, our expectations and poof ... the whole world changes.

I want to grow this site into a community and have women submit their writings and share their wisdom to make this circle bigger and more inclusive.  My intention is to reach out and touch women's hearts and spirits and be a platform for us to show ourselves how amazing women are!  A place for support and a place to be heard and seen. 

We can change the world and are changing the world and making it a more beautiful place to play in.  Women are creators, inventors, artists, we are used to flying by the seat of our pants and we'll figure it out as we go ... because we trust ourselves and know we love community.

Wisdom comes in many forms 

Living in the Now

I read an article about a woman who had a recurring dream since childhood that she was locked in a prison and couldn't find a way out.  She was having energy work done and mentioned the dream to the woman.  The energy worker asked her if she would like to get of the prison.  The dreamer replied of course she would like to get out of that prison and was told that the door wasn't locked, just open it.  The woman opened the prison door and walked out into an open field and was free.  End of that story and the dream never returned.

Living in the Now would be like opening the prison door and walking out into the world free, no longer being held in the prison of the past or worrying about the future.

I feel that is what it is like to live in the present moment now ... freedom to choose new responses to life and not be shackled to the old stories or be defined by them.  They are like last week's newspapers, no longer relevant.

I heard another pearl of wisdom from Larry Crane who does releasing work.  He said "Your worry will talk to you because it doesn't belong to anyone else, it belongs to you.  And if you've been holding on to it, guess what?  You can let it go.  Can you put the owner on the phone?  You're the owner, its your feeling, and you can let it go.

We have to become conscious that we are in charge of our thinking and beliefs and if we don't pay attention, they can be controlling us instead of the other way around.   We need to enlist our mind to serve us NOT to create havoc and fear and run our patterns unconsciously.

So much potential, so many possibilities, I am so grateful to be alive her and now and have I told you how much Google has changed my life?  Oh yeah baby, better than sliced bread.

Learning the hard way ... but I then remember

I've learned so much from my mistakes that I think I'll make some more ...  hehehe

In fact I know I'll make a lot of mistakes and take missteps but what the heck, that is how I got here and  its better than staying stuck where I was because I was paralyzed by fear and terrified of change.

Fear ruins more dreams than everything else combined.  Fear will call up the critic and tell her that you are trying to break free and become you ... and they can't have that.  They want to keep you pregnant, barefoot, and back on the farm stuck in the mud where you belong.  Who do you think you are girl?  You think you can shine?  You think you can make a difference in the world?  Not if we have anything to say about it.  They will try to hog tie you ... and I'm here to tell you ... I'm here to help cut you loose and me too.

We are going to cross borders, break barriers, break with old traditions and patterns.  So pack a small bag with your favorite lucky charms, your medicine bag, a bottle of champagne (we'll need that for celebrating), and some changes of costumes because we'll definitely need those.

You and me are going to go places and I'm not telling you just yet but I'm packing my maps, compass, and my magic wand so we'll be ready for everything and anything.

Just click your heels together and repeat after me "You can't keep me down on the farm after I've seen the lights of the big city."  Take my hand ... we're starting now.

The Gifts of Mistakes

I was watching Oprah one day and Susan Sarandon was asked what she would tell her 20 year old self. Without hesitation she replied "Make lots of mistakes! You learn so much more from your mistakes." I don't think that was her exact quote but its very close.

I loved that! That definitely wasn't my mantra in life. The fear of making mistakes has held me back from so many experiences by yelling "NO" at them. NO, I can't do it unless I know from the very start what will happen and what the outcome will be. I need a written guarantee I will not be embarrassed, look foolish, lose something in the process, or not like the repercussions. NO, NO, NO. I must remain safe and feel that I am in control. I worried what other people would think about me. Many times I became a human chameleon to fit in or to be what other people wanted me to be, or expected me to be,

That is how I have lived a lot of life being paralyzed by fear and change. I am starting to play with the idea of no matter what happens I can deal with it.  This is a radical departure for me but I am ready to venture out in the world and take some chances and play differently.

I had heard the expression "The Universe never says NO" and didn't fully understand what it meant.  Well according to my simplistic version (to me it means) whatever we ask for with intention and expectation we will get it.  If we always go into things with a Plan B we are only hoping Plan A works but expecting to have to use Plan B, we will get Plan B.  Simple as that, the Universe said okay if thats what you want, its yours.

I had been feeling that the world was a hard place to survive and I wasn't feeling safe being in a body, on  this planet Earth.  And because that was my belief, that also was my result.  I am definitely moving away from that old way of thinking because it hasn't made my world a wonderful place to live.

I love the internet, it has changed my life by making so much information available instantly.  I can research anything, find my way to websites of people who have shared ideas that really impacted my life.  I take on line courses, seminars, sign up for newsletters and just keep learning.  

I really see a huge shift happening and people wanting to know themselves on a much deeper level, discover what they came here to do and how we can improve things and the way we live.  People want to be creative, productive, make contributions, help people, have fulfilling work, and feel connected.  

Consciousness is opening to a new way of thinking and living and its catching on.  Maybe we are finding the gifts of the mistakes of the past and learning from them.  Perhaps we are looking around ourselves and seeing new visions of what is possible and no long impossible.  There is great momentum and its time to catch to wave and go with the new paradigm.  

Thank the past, learn from it, and move on.   Living in the now is where it is all happening ... NOW not in the past and not in the future.  

Meeting with my Muse

I love it when my muse

appears unexpectedly 

in unlikely places

at inopportune times

smiling a knowing smile

Somedays the creativity flows

and somedays it’s so damned up

because I’m trying to control

and she won’t have that

don’t you know.  

My muse leans toward me

in her V neck black velvet gown

with slits up both sides, full length black gloves,

very spike heels, an exotic orchid pinned in her mane of hair

and a joint between her fiery red lips

Come on love, the fear’s 

only as real as you believe it is

You just remember that

you are an artist no matter 

what others think or say 

I wouldn’t waste my time 

if I thought you didn’t have it in you

You just have to lighten up

here try some of this ... 

oh my God ... I inhaled!!!

The painting is the vision and painter is the dreamer

bringing life from beyond the mist

let judgment go and just paint 

Thus saith your Muse. 

Go forth and create!

Trusting

Okay, I give up.
I have no idea
what lies ahead
in my life.

I only sense
that surrender
will show me
the next step.

Let me give up
my demands
my illusions
my insanity.

Trust in the silence
let my spiritual GPS
lead my life journey
to the next chapter.

Laundry day and other artful activities

I was thinking about what makes someone an artist?  I believe we are all artists in some form or fashion.  The way we dress, the style of the furnishings in our home, the way we present ourselves ... whether we're happy or unhappy.  We are always creating something.  We are creating our career, our friendships, our life stories.

We are always creating something.  What you think creates something ...

You get the idea.  I'm just saying ... I want to get more conscious about what I'm creating and maybe pay a bit more attention to what I'm saying to myself too.

Anyway need to finish laundry and get things together for dinner because I am going to make meatballs with lots of basil and carmelized onions.  Yum!  See?  I'm creating.

XOXO

My Wild Dream for the World

My wild dream is to include all women and girls into the circle of the divine feminine.  To share the joy of celebrating ourselves, our creativity, and the healing effect that art and writing have by embodying it and wearing it out into the world.  Expressing our truths and transforming the ordinary into the mythic and turning fears into opportunities.  To honor women through art and writing and circles which encircle the globe.

I have witnessed such transformation in myself since connecting with art and writing because I have begun contacting parts of myself that I had been disconnected from.  I am learning  to honor the feminine and see how strong, powerful, courageous, compassionate, gentle, fierce, loving, protective, unmovable yet flexible, the feminine is.  Much of this was generated through my contact with my muse and the canvas. 

At this point in my life I feel that the best is yet to come and it will only get better.   Almost a year ago online I met a woman who would change my life forever.  Shiloh Sophia McCloud was offering an on line painting class and I decided to sign up because I had never taken art classes and always wanted to learn to paint.  I felt safe because it was online and if I sucked at it no one but me would know.  I could hide and be safe AND take a risk and try something I really wanted to learn.

Now I have taken some more of her courses and joined Cosmic Cowgirls which Shiloh started and met her dedicated staff who are all about supporting women and changing their lives through art and the written word and they do!

I want to start putting my art out into the world which is a brave step for me.  A friend of mine asked me a long time ago what I wanted to do and I replied I wanted to write.  But I explained I felt that probably no one would care about what I had to say.  She vehemently told me that we never know what someone needs to hear and you might just have what they need to hear.  But your staying silent will never share your message and someone may be waiting to hear those very words.  

I know that when people are real and sharing how they feel or sharing about an uncomfortable situation, or something they felt ashamed of ... the honesty touches my heart and makes me feel connected.  I know that other people have the same things going on in their lives but so many people never share on that level because it makes them feel too vulnerable. 

My intention is to have this be a place of refuge from the outer world.  A place to come to be in contact with your artist self and explore new possibilities.  Bring your cup of coffee or tea or glass of wine and drink in the renewing feminine energy.  As this site evolves I will add links to some of my favorite people to share as well.

I know with art that some speaks to me and some doesn’t.  You may like my artwork and you may not and either way is fine.  Your art will be different from mine yet the process is the same as far as where we go to access it.

I am excited to be starting this journey and know that it will be about art, communication, community, sharing information and support.  It will continue to grow and expand and hopefully you will feel called to be part of this circle of women.

XOXO

Mary